In order to take up more space than, "(Subject Unknown) is pretty boring," I am going to describe the latest album from The Retail Sectors as a visual metaphor.
Imagine the soundtrack to a river boating cartoon, the kind where even the boat itself is bouncing for joy. The sound you are now playing in your head is the first track to (Subject Unknown), up until someone turns on the "dance party" switch. Even the captain of the boat can't resist dancing at this point, which is evident because the unmanned boat crashes into a swamp and damages their instruments in the process. Consequently, the next few songs had to be made with a sample and loop program. The keyboard still works well enough for someone to slowly play the same series of notes over top of the loops, but apparently it doesn't go any faster than quarter notes.
In the fourth track, the travelers are attacked by bees from a hive of white noise on two separate incidents. Oddly enough this doesn't send them into a panic, as they continue to play the same simple riffs they have been playing between the attacks. They take refuge for the next song in a temple in the middle of the swamp, which is coincidentally full of technological advancements like monitors, buttons, and self-opening doors on otherwise stone walls.
Further in, they discover a melancholy grandfather clock that complains about the state of his life and refuses to take his medication, just like a real grandfather. Sure, he remembers the happy times, but that only makes him rue today more. The clock's death rattle lasts about two and a half minutes.
Strangely enough, the back door of the temple opens onto a pasture. In the sky. But something is subtly wrong. Maybe the path behind the travelers is falling. Maybe someone is following them.
The next track reveals the secret, the grandfather clock is not actually dead. He has been stalking the travelers, but has now decided to jump out and talk about how awesome it is to be outside. A drummer shows up with some spare beats, about 120 per minute. The clock repeats himself for most of the soliloquy, but at the end waxes poetic about the foreigners he has killed in World War II.
The excitement kills the clock for real this time because the next part is very subdued. They float him down the first river they find as the credits roll.
Epilogue: Just when you thought the song has mercifully ended, another one starts. I think this one is about how the captain of the boat was fired and is currently a homeless alcoholic.
Overall, The Retail Sectors should stop using Fruity Loops/GarageBand and should try to incorporate something besides sudden bursts of static to get attention. Perhaps some eighth notes or faster would help.
-Loyal Hobart Tingley IV